March 28 - glioblastoma multiforme progression

The weekend wasn’t a great time for my dad. On Friday he had another seizure while my step mother and the hospice aid were bathing him. It didn’t last long…but it wore him out. Saturday he slept a lot…but when he awoke, he seemed more lucid than he has been for quite a while.

When we arrived on Saturday morning, my step mother told me that he had told her that he didn’t mind dying. She was somewhat taken aback by him saying that…because it was sort of “out of the blue”. She asked him if he was afraid…and he smiled and said “No…” He then fell asleep. She went into the bathroom and sat and cried for a while. When she told me what he said…there were more tears all around. 

I was sitting by his bed an hour or so later…and he reached up…cupped my face in his hand and looked at me and smiled…and winked at me. He held my hand a lot on Saturday…and he squeezed it repeatedly. Then he told me that he was dying.

We can’t help but feel that he has made peace with what is happening…and is letting go. One part of me knows that that is a good thing for him…but the other part of me is heartbroken. And… as so many other things do…it also makes me flash back to a conversation with mom…not so long ago. She had made the decision not to have heart surgery. That decision was in effect…her letting go. I was sitting with her a couple days later and she said, “You want me to fight…to have the surgery and keep fighting don’t you?” I took a deep breath and replied, “I do mom…I do. But I will respect your decision. I’m not ready for you to leave us…but I will stand beside you…whatever you decide.” She smiled and said “Thank You.”

I hate that memory. My heart wishes that I had gotten angry and demanded that she have the surgery and keep trying. My brain knows that even if she had had the surgery…she was also in End Stage lung disease…and there were multiple other issues that could not be treated. She would not have survived more than a short while longer anyway….and there was doubt that she would survive the surgery and recovery as well. She chose to let go…she was tired. Now he is choosing to let go…he is tired. And lately…we are all so very tired.