A beautiful beginning...where did it go?

This morning dawned with a beautiful sunrise. It has gone downhill from there.

When we were nervous, and couldn't sit still...my grandma used to say that we were "wound tighter than a nine day clock." That's what I am tonight....wound tighter than a nine day clock. It's been a long, hard week...and after talking to my dad this evening, I'm afraid it may get longer and harder. Becky has almost stopped eating altogether...not even taking fluids now, except for an occasional sip...which she chokes on. For the past 24 hours, she has moaned almost constantly...the morphine doesn't seem to help. He has rushed in several times today to pull her to a sitting position to stop the choking. The nurse is supposed to be in yet this evening...but so far she hasn't shown up. Dad can't tell whether she is in pain...or simply making involuntary sounds...he wanted my opinion...he held the phone close to her, my heart broke as I listened to her moan/cry.

We have made the journey to Coffeyville every Saturday morning for weeks now...but we have decided to go early this week...we will head out tomorrow. For some time now...I have felt peace each weekend, as we packed and as we drove down...tonight that peace is gone...I am filled with worry and dread, and I am fighting back tears. I hope that my emotions are simply a result of an exhausting week, and my ever present lack of sleep...but this feeling seems to be growing by the minute.

As much as I know that it is selfish to want her to rally again...and live...it is very hard to let her go. Emotions are in total conflict and turmoil now...for all of us. It is the way of life...and death.