Coffeyville...

It’s a dreary Sunday…cloudy, cold, and windy. Hard to believe it is almost Christmas! We went to Coffeyville yesterday to visit my dad and step mom. It was the saddest trip yet. I knew that she was getting worse…but I had no idea how bad she was. There really aren’t words to describe the feelings that we all experienced…and are still experiencing. It is very difficult to see such a lively, vibrant person, reduced to a shadow. As difficult as it was for us…I can’t begin to imagine how painful…emotionally…and how frustrating it was for her. Unable to stand, or even shift positions without assistance…I watched as my dad took care of her every need. They worked together…as one…to move her from the recliner to the wheelchair. She wrapped her arms around his neck, as he wrapped his arms around her, and lifted…telling her softly what their next move would be. He was patient, kind, and so gentle…but in his eyes I saw exhaustion…physical and emotional. As he talked quietly to me…about how she has gone downhill during the past week…his voice quivered almost imperceptibly with fear, worry, and heartbreak.

It has been a long, hard, horrible road for her. She has fought a good fight…better than most of us could. She is undoubtedly, one of the bravest people I have ever known. As we prepare for the inevitable…some human truths become evident. Even though I have known for many months now…that she was terminal…deep inside…I have not accepted it. As long as she was smiling, and walking, and laughing…as long as her outer self belied her inner illness…I have been able to avoid the reality of her mortality. That isn’t possible now. Very soon…we will be without her. Even as I type those words “we will be without her”…I realize that I am still avoiding the stark truth…she will die.

This has been a hard, emotional day. The image of her, so tiny and vulnerable…swallowed up by the enormous recliner, is imbedded firmly in my mind. The hot tears on my cheeks…are confirmation…that my brain and my heart…are now in one accord.

Please keep her, my dad and all of our family in your prayers. I would ask a special prayer for my husband…who will officiate at her funeral. He is feeling the weight of this responsibility.